Key’s Key Convictions

Posted: May 15th, 2010 | Author: Jackson James Wood | Filed under: Jackson James Wood | Tags: John Key, New Zealand, Satire | 1 Comment »

This week’s Sunday Star Times posed 50 questions to Prime Minister Key from famous New Zealanders.
Unfortunately, his entire press team were away when he first got the request from the SST. AbsoulteGenius was lucky enough to have been leaked his original answers.

1. Sir Colin Meads, former All Black: Do you think you are doing too much for the Maori people? Is it just to keep their votes?
Yes.

2. Theresa Gattung, former CEO of Telecom: Which living person do you most admire and what book have you read which changed your life?
That’s two questions, Theresa. But, since you’re rich too, I will humor you. Bernie Madoff and Rich Dad Poor Dad.

3.Sam Neill, Mining and water: are you losing your touch?
Sam, STFU. Go back to acting.

4. Bishop, god-king of South Auckland, Brian Tamaki, Do you want to break down the barriers between church and state?
That’s why we’re in with the Exclusive Brethren, *wink wink*.

5. Stephen Tindall: Will NZ actually get any money from allowing mining in the conservation estate?
We don’t have a fucking clue, Stephen.

6. Ken Burns. Who cuts your hair?
What. The. Fuck. Ken, you have the chance to ask your Prime Minister one thing and you ask this?

7. Oscar Kightly, Pacific heroes Michael Jones and Inga Tuigamala gave you their support, and that of their supporters, because they thought that, under National, Pacific people would be owning factories and not just working in them. When do you think that will happen?
Who?

8. Kerry Predergast, can I plez to hav supercity too?
Yes. Give Rodney a call. Wellington is next in line. Unfortunately your mismanagement of WCC is going to be the grounds for amalgamation.

9. John Banks, Do you share my confidence that a greater Auckland can become the aspirational capital of New Zealand? If so why?
Seriously, John, Auckland already is great. I mean, if an ass-hat like you can be mayor, anyone can.

10. Greg Fleming, chief executive of the Maxim Institute: Are there any issues you care enough about that you would be willing to lose all your political capital for them?
MONEY

11. Keisha Castle-Hughes, actor: When are you going to show us your vision for how New Zealand can grow in a way that doesn’t irreversibly damage our environment and climate?
You again? Didn’t I like totally own you last year?

12. Tukoroirangi Morgan, chairman, Waikato Tainui: Would the government reconsider its position on including Maori as bona fide councillors on Auckland’s super city in the wake of the government’s recent announcement supporting the United Nations’ Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples? If not, why not?
Look. I tried my hardest. Rodney is very persuasive. But don’t worry, we’ve given youse an advisory board. I’d like to think this token gesture as a meeting of the minds.

13. Te Radar, comedian (aka Andrew Lumsden): What causes you more stress, financial gambles on currency speculation or holding together disparate political groups?
To be honest neither is very stressful. Smile and wave. That’s all there is to it.

14. John Ansell, designer of the famous “Iwi-Kiwi” billboards for the National Party election campaign in 2005: If you’re genuine about closing the Tasman wage gap, why are you driving up New Zealanders’ power and petrol prices with an emissions trading scheme, when Australia and all other countries have deferred their climate taxes because so much of the science is fraudulent?
John, the science isn’t fraudulent. You just have no understanding of the scientific method. My homeboy, Prof. Gluckman explained this shit to me, and I believe him — what with his Ph. D in science-ology — any day over a tawt like you. But to actually address your question: it’s the right thing to do.

15. Peter Elliott, actor: How difficult is it to reconcile the recent success of New Zealand’s ideological stance on nuclear issues with President Barack Obama, when the National Party vilified and ridiculed the instigators of our anti-nuclear policy?
LOLWUT?! It was Donny that said it would be ‘gone by lunch time’. Not me, homes. Next term though, you watch out. Anything goes.

16. Lewis Holden, chair of Republican Movement of Aotearoa New Zealand: Will you allow public nominations for the next governor-general, who you’ll need to appoint in 2011, perhaps even opening the office up to election?
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAA. And miss my opportunity to appoint Don Brash? Hell. No. Lewy.

17. Maire Leadbeater, veteran anti-nuclear campaigner: As the leader of an anti-nuclear nation recently invited by President Obama to attend the conference on nuclear disarmament, how do you justify the fact that the NZ Super Fund invests our taxes in companies – such as Boeing – which manufacture nuclear arms delivery systems? Shouldn’t we be like Norway, which bans investment of its pension funds in these companies?
Look, do you want to be able to live in comfort when you’re old, or do you want to live in third-world squalor? Money is money. It doesn’t really matter where it comes from, right? And this is coming from the guy who once singlehandedly collapsed the kyat!

18. Andy Tookey, Give Life NZ: New Zealand has the lowest organ donor rate in the developed world. Would you consider providing incentives, as some other countries do, to increase the number of people who are prepared to be organ donors? Examples are: paying for organ donors’ funeral expenses, giving registered donors priority on the waiting list, and giving realistic lump sum compensation to living donors?
While organs are a great instrument I don’t think they’re really practical in todays age where we can simply synthesize the beats.

19. Rick Boven, director of the New Zealand Institute think tank: Do you regard the relatively large number of disadvantaged people in New Zealand as an economic cost or as a productivity improvement opportunity?
I see them as an asset. These people just need to pull themselves out of poverty. Once they go ahead and do that we’ll be right.

20. Roger Kerr, blah blah blah. I’m rich. Gimme money.
See you on Sunday at golf, Rodge.

21. Ms C May, Sunday Star-Times reader: Why are MPs’ children given privileges such as subsidised travel, when the children of beneficiaries are potentially made to suffer if their parents’ benefits are cut?
Good question, ultimately this comes down to two things. One: Stefi really likes Wellington, and she did invent the emo-grunge look so popular amongst the youth. Another thing is… oh look, a three-headed monkey.

22. Keri Hulme, writer: When on your deathbed (and may that be many decades away) what would give you most satisfaction? Knowing that you were a good family man; that you made a great deal of money; that you were prime minister of Aotearoa-NZ; that you did your mother proud; that your actions bettered our country, by and large, or that something that is especial and has no publicity is your gift to the world?
Money, money, money, MUN-EEEEEEE!

23. Tim Shadbolt, mayor of Invercargill: Invercargill believes it has played a critical role in finding a cure for diabetes and Huntington’s disease after raising a herd of Auckland Island pigs, the purest mammals on Earth. Do you believe our pigs will fly?
“Purest mammals on earth”? What does that even mean, Tim?

24. Mike King, comedian: I do a lot of work in mental health – would you consider a private-public partnership that helps people through the maze, focuses on collaboration, self-help, reduces the burden on services and is low-cost, easy to use and administer?
Miiiiike, PPPs are only used when we can extract mega-bucks out of people.

25. Peter Chin, mayor of Dunedin: When will the government be required to meet the same levels of transparency it demands of local government – especially since the increasing costs of such central government imposed compliance (annual plans, consultation etc) become a further burden to be met by ratepayers?
NEVER. HAHAHAHAA

26. Don Nicolson, president of Federated Farmers: Do you categorically know if our assumed “clean-green” and “sustainable” brand is a primary reason why consumers in the growing markets of Asia, the Middle East and Africa buy New Zealand food products and if not, why not?
Yes, it is.

27. Ruth Lim, What are your reasons for sending your own children to private schools?
Part of my plan is to make free public education a thing of the past. Children aren’t children any more, they’re wealth generators for business! New Zealand will be much better off if education is dictated by the market.

28. Dr Graham Redding, what sorts of things do you think could or should be done to tackle the high rate of reoffending in this country and better serve the goals of restorative justice and the rehabilitation of offenders?
Basically, we need to put people in jail for longer. This will solve more problems than putting criminals, yes they are convicted criminals, back into the streets. They’re criminals for god’s sake!

29. Robyn Malcolm, actor: The income disparity between New Zealanders is growing and there is an obvious correlation between low income and poor indices in society, ie, crime, family breakdown, family violence, low education etc. What are you going to do about this?
Nothing. In fact I want to make it worse. Inequality entrenches wealth where it is needed the most: in the pockets of rich people.

30. Denis Dutton, what’re three things are you doing to stop the ‘brain-drain’?
Reducing taxes direct taxes, increasing indirect. Mining shit. Smiling and waving.

31. Jo Randerson, writer: What do you believe enables a happy and healthy existence, and how do your government’s actions contribute to the possibility of such a life for all New Zealanders?
Money is the key to (this Key’s) happiness. We need more money.

32.Andrew Ferrier, CEO Fonterra, how can NZ get a global consensus on stuff?
Bestially if I go to conferences and smile and wave we should be all right.

33. Jason Gunn, broadcaster: How come when Anzac Day falls on a Sunday there’s no public holiday on Monday? Next year it’s even worse, because it falls on Easter Monday. I don’t think the Anzacs should have to share their day with the big JC. What are you going to do about it?
Firstly, I’ve mandated TVNZ to bring back Thingee. We’re going to make an elaborate back story about what he has been doing for the past 15 years and use this as the launching point for another consumer spending-centric holiday.

34. Judy Bailey, How is your government shaping social policy to reflect evidence?
Lololololol. Our policies are based on ideology, not evidence.

35. Anglican Archbishop Brown Turei, Pihopa o Aotearoa, and Archbishop David Moxon, senior bishop of the New Zealand dioceses: The National and Maori parties seem to be working well together – so does that suggest a model for successful local body government? At the local level, could there be partnerships of elected regional representatives sharing governance with elected tangata whenua representatives? (The Anglican Church here relies on a related style of governance – and we find it very fruitful.)
I’m down for whatever with the tangata whenua.

36. Jonathan Temm, president, New Zealand Law Society: With prison musters rising and the “Three Strikes” initiative likely to increase them further, what strategies are planned to address the causes of crime and to reduce rates of imprisonment?
Now that is a tricksy question. The answer is nothing. But we do intend to turn prisons into a money making exercise by allowing private companies to operate prisons. Shit. There is really nothing stopping the Mongrel Mob or Black Power from owning an operating a prison if they’ve got the capital.

37. Jane Yee, blogger: What is the first thing you like to do when you walk in the door at home after a rough day at the Beehive?
My wife, Bronagh. Da dum chaaaa

38. Mark Solomon, chairman, Te Runanga o Ngai Tahu: Do you see a role for government to partner with iwi, business and NGOs to resolve intractable social and environmental issues, and why?
No. The market will provide a solution. That is why we’re contracting out many core government services to private companies.

39. Bob Parker, mayor of Christchurch: As a former Christchurch resident what is your commitment to Canterbury infrastructure and what role do you see Christchurch playing as a city in the future?
By getting rid of ECan we’re going to turn ChCh into an oasis. It’ll be like the hanging gardens of Babylon. Except better! In the future Christchurch will be turned into a penal colony for sex offenders and racists. So not too different from what it is now.

40. Valerie Vili, sportswoman: Can I be your bodyguard for a day in exchange for teaching you how to throw the shot put?
Totes!

41. Pat Walsh, vice-chancellor, Victoria University: How will you ensure that universities’ resources are increased so they can continue to make an important economic and social contribution to New Zealand?
Patty! But we want to create and underclass of poorly educated Epsilion minuses.

42. Michael Laws, mayor of Whanganui: One of the primary reasons Labour was voted out of office in 2008 was a perceived political correctness that dominated its political thinking. Is the National government not guilty of the same – with its decisions on parental smacking, the spelling of Whanganui, the repeal of the seabed legislation, its embrace of Whanau Ora and its relationship with the minority Maori Party?
Shut the fuck up, dick-wad. Is that politically incorrect enough for you, wank-face?

43. Gareth Morgan, economist and investor: What is the single most important policy advance, to your mind, if NZ is going to have any chance of closing the income gap with Australia?
Mining and building super-massive motorways to connect the mines.

44. Phil O’Reilly, chief executive, Business New Zealand: We’re a nation of small businesses, but we really need to develop more global-sized firms like Fonterra to secure our economic future. What are the two most important policy levers you would pull to increase our chances of growing more global companies?
We’re already doing that. By moving towards a more Hayekian economic system we’re entrenching wealth into a few hands. This will allow big business to fuck some mad shit up on the world stage.

45. Helen Kelly, president, Council of Trade Unions: Why won’t the government do more in the job creation space when the small initiatives to date have been successful, are cost-effective, and benefit the country as a whole, and particularly when unemployment is higher now than it was when these initiatives were started? Why not, for instance, expand schemes like Community Max or Job Ops or similar schemes or invest in assisting people who are unemployed to gain the skills they need to re-enter the workforce?
Helen, a high unemployment rate means a more fluid job market and lower wages. This in turn means more money for business execs to spend on hookers and cracked cocaine.

46. Karlo Mila, What metaphor would you use to describe your government’s approach to the relationship between the state and those unable to meet their own needs?
The Walrus and the Carpenter. I’m the Carpenter, Gerry is the Walrus. Everyone else are the oysters.

47. Selwyn Pellett, businessman: In business a CEO is hired who knows his craft, understands his chosen market and knows how to extract value from it in the interests of all his shareholders. The corporate goals are almost always achieved with a clear inspiring vision that all stakeholders buy into it. If this is the prescribed business wisdom for success (strong, strategic and inspiring leadership) and you are the head of our business party, do you think that New Zealanders should also demand this of our prime minister?
That’s not such a bad idea. Although, I think the only training you could give prospective Prime Ministers is to throw them in a pit with 20 to 53 Ebola virus infected Monkeys and if they survive for a week then they’re fit to sit in our house of parliament.

48. Peter Murnane, Waihopai protester: Why do you allow the Waihopai spy base to operate on New Zealand soil, costing taxpayers about $40 million a year and sending information to our partner the US, which illegally invaded Iraq, killing countless civilians; allows prisoners to be tortured; and uses depleted uranium, a radioactive weapon of mass destruction, which will increase cancers and birth defects far into the future?
Have you never watched a James Bond movie? Spying is fucking awesome!

49. The New Zealand Catholic Bishops Conference: Given the government’s proposed changes to welfare and to the international aid delivered through NGOs, what do you consider the role of the NGO sector to be in future?
NGO’s are great! They do what government should be doing. So it is totally a no brainer there. We should increase the profit motive behind running an NGO so that more people will do it!

50. Peter Jenkins, Sunday Star-Times reader, Auckland: Why not raise taxes on alcohol and cigarettes (by 50 percent at least ideally)? It would bring in much-needed extra revenue when your government is facing a severe deficit, and help reduce crime and health issues – surely a win-win?
And be accused of being wowsers. No way, Pete. National are all about the party times. Rock out with your cock out, dude.

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