Collins comes clean on convict container contrivance

Corrections Minister Judith Collins came clean about the true motives of her shipping container cell scheme this afternoon, admitting that it was phase one of a plan to turn the Auckland Islands into a penal colony.

After revelations the idea mooted by Collins early this week was only slightly less expensive than conventional convict cribs, the Corrections minister confessed Phase One was just a smokescreen for a wider movement to rid New Zealand of all criminals.

“The total cost per bed is irrelevant because there are none,” Ms Collins said.

“We lure the criminals into shipping containers now. Then, when they least expect it, ship them nearly 500 kilometres away from our closest port. I just don’t see what could go wrong here.”

The minister paused slightly for a quick giggle after saying “penal colony” for the third time, but quickly regained her composure to say “this National government is committed to equipping prisoners with real-life survival skills at minimal cost to the tax payer. The Cabinet and I believe this is the only real option.”

Opposition corrections spokesperson Clayton Cosgrove cried crazy over Collins’ comments. “This is just shortsightedness by the Minister. I mean, hasn’t she ever seen Gilligan’s Island? If she thought prisons under Labour were holiday homes, why in hell is she sending them to an island paradise?”

Sole summer inhabitant of Auckland Islands and Department of Conservation employee Clive Connors seemed enthusiastic about the government’s plan, telling Absolute Genius via satellite phone that he would “relish the company”.

Collins, in conjunction with Broadcasting Minister Johnathon Coleman, is consulting a combination of companies about the sale of broadcasting rights to several major international television networks. Watch out for Survivor Auckland Island: Convict Edition next fall.